Archive for October, 2013


Today, I’m annoyed. As you know, I’ve been mulling over the idea of moving to Minneapolis sometime next year. It’s tough decision and I’m still not at all sure what I want to do.

But my annoyance is with my girlfriend. She went and told her family about us possibly moving back. And of course like any good family does, the gossip starts. And now I’m sure everyone in the family thinks or knows that we will possibly come back.

This annoys me because it’s an outside influence. If we go back, I want to go back because we want to not because someone is pressuring us to. I don’t want to talk about it with them and I don’t even want to include them. Fuck.

So now, I feel really alone. I already was feeling lonely since almost everyone I knew and cared about lived a long ways away. I feel like I don’t really have anyone to talk to about this stuff. I did feel like I could talk to my girlfriend about it, but now I know I can’t. I can’t talk about anything with her or it will go directly to the gossip land back in MN. I don’t want to deal with this shit.

Basically, the only person I can talk to about this is a blog on the internet about cubicles.


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Right Now

Ok, so looking back at the ideal self post I had the other day, I realized I need to focus on 2 main things for RIGHT NOW to start working towards that self.

1. Career – I need to work towards having the job I want and the ability to get a good job that pays well with good vacation time anywhere I want to live.

2. Fitness – I need to work towards losing weight and being more fit.

So what are my ideas on how to get there? Here’s a few.

1. Toastmasters – I need to build my communications skills. This is one of my biggest challenges.
2. Accounting knowledge – I need to build up my accounting knowledge. I’m going to find an online course I could take to get me closer to that.
3. Systems – I’m going to learn VBA by reading the rest of my VBA book and working on exercises.

1. I’m going to do a shot exercise every morning and continually increase the amount I do.
2. I’m going to commit to eating less overall. I’m going to focus on my hunger and stop eating when I’m full. I’m also going to eat what I really want like fruits, veggies & nuts instead of what I think I want.
3. I’m going to drink less, beer especially.
4. I’m going to work on my posture and stretch regularly.

So that’s what I’m going to do. More specifics later.

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Think Long Term

So let’s think Long Term here now.  What would be my life over the next twenty years in each situation.

Move back:

Say nothing changes in my feelings.  At the one year mark of being here, I decide to move us.  What do I do?

Pre-move –

Enjoy the city as if it’s a long vacation.
Focus on learning VBA and some other important work skills.
Start searching for stuff in Mpls seriously about 2 months before move.  Talk to M about it.
Ideally line up a role before then.
Try to work remote from there at current job.
Then go after the lease is up and the job is ready.

Move –

Rent a car and drive back.  Have movers move stuff.
Get there before work starts, make sure we have a place to live, etc.
Post move-
Make a point to go out with friends more.  Invite them over more.  Start rebuilding some great friendships.
Do a great job at my job.  Have sights set on a manager level role within a year or two.

1 Year later-
Get married.
Get a promotion.
Keep friendships solid.
Save for downpayment.

3-5 years-
Buy a house. Live in it and fix it up.  Then rent it out in a year or two.
Move jobs possibly to a much better job.
Keep up with friends & family.
Start looking into business ideas.

6-8 years-
Buy another house or two.  Have 2 rental properties.  Keep working at it.
Start a small business.
Pay off girlfriends debt.

10 years-
Quit the corporate life and do business full time.

15 years-
Sell one or two rental props and buy our dream house.
Keep friendships strong.

Basically, my plan would be to be financially stable at 40.  Have a solid group of friends.  See my family and my girlfriend’s family semi-regularly.  Own multiple rental homes that are paying for themselves.  Be enjoying the Minnesota weather, even the cold.

Life if we stay:

Keep going at my job.  Get that manager job in 1-2 years.  Stay in our apartment. Start making friends.

2-3 Years-

Pay off girlfriends debt.  Get married, probably back in MN

3-5 Years-

Be able to afford a nicer place.  Still can’t buy.

10 Years-

Have a Director level job.  Make enough to maybe buy a cheap house out here.

In reality, this is why I lean towards MN.  I feel like I can plan for our future and understand what it is I need to do to get ahead.  Here, it feels like I’m working to pay our rent and go out to eat a lot.  Yes, the weather is awesome, the job opportunities are better and the city is cooler.  But financial independence is not likely out here with me being a finance guy.

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New Perspectives Day 2

Day 2 checking in.  I got up and exercised & meditated again today.  It was tougher to get out of bed, but I did it.  Legs day today.  I did squats, deadlifts and lunges.  I haven’t done that in a while, I should be sore tomorrow.  That’s why I switched it up to legs.  I think I should do this every week day, maybe even every day.  Alternating legs and upper body each day.  Maybe just doing a little bit every day will work for me.

On the decisions front, things have gotten clearer, but weirder.  My girlfriend is now feeling really strongly like going back.  She likes the idea of “settling down” getting a house, car, being more domesticated, etc.

This is weird on one hand.  I feel like that is not what we want.  Well I feel like that’s what we’ve been telling ourselves that we don’t want.  Strangely, I’ve realized that we’ve already done a lot of that.  Not in a house, but most days we just hang out and eat and watch TV anyway.  I’ve been trying not to do that for so long, but maybe that’s just what we do.  It would be nice to have friends around for the days we don’t do that.  Plus to have a bit extra space and the ability to not feel cooped up in an apartment all the time.

Weird how perspectives change…  Well, onward, upward….  We shall see what happens next.

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Day one of new perspectives

So, how am I doing?  Well this morning was day one.  I got up at 7 and did my exercises then meditated.  It was good.  I felt more energized than usual and awake.  So how am I doing on becoming my ideal self?

  • I feel like I’ve made some progress on being more decisive.  I still haven’t decided on MN yet, but I feel like I’m more confident that I will make the right decision.
  • My job has been busy this morning and I have things to do this afternoon.
  • My group of friends is still in MN and no new ones in SF.
  • I worked out this morning.
  • I worked out this morning and felt good about it.
  • I feel like we got closer this weekend.
  • Getting married is tricky.  If we move back it would be a lot easier.  If we stay it would be harder.
  • I feel comfortable with my income, but realize that life in SF isn’t very sustainable unless I make more.  In MN we could live comfortably on my income alone.
  • No plans for vacation now.
  • We went out and climbed to the top of a hill on Saturday which was definitely “nature like”.
  • I bought new clothes this weekend that are casual, yet classy.
  • We looked at an ideal house for us online back in MN.
  • I am debt free.
  • No progress on her loans.
  • I didn’t smile and wasn’t excited for the day.  Maybe tomorrow.
  • I think I’m making progress on being comfortable with myself.

Overall, it was an interesting weekend.  We went for a hike and I really saw just how beautiful the city is again.  It would be so tough to give that up and I’d definitely feel like we’re missing out on something great.

On the other hand, we went out for beers afterward and were missing our friends.  Plus we got in a fight which means we’re spending too much time together and could use some third parties.  But then of course my girlfriend gets to looking for places to live in Mpls again.  She of course finds her dream house and cries and moans about it for hours.  We’re not doing that, but it may just be proving that we do want to go back.

Ways in which moving back could help me achieve my ideal self:

  • I’d make the decision to go and stick with it.
  • I’d find a good job.  I’d have more options to somehow start a business.
  • I have friends there.  And having a house and being close would help me keep them as friends.
  • No difference on exercise.
  • No difference on exercise.
  • Our relationship might get better as she does like seeing me interact with others.  I’d have to be less introverted than I was.
  • Getting married would be cheap and easy.
  • I would be able to afford a lot more on my income in MN
  • Vacations would be easier to plan.
  • There is a lot of nature in MN.
  • DOWNSIDE, I’d probably lose my casual work place.
  • We could buy a house EVENTUALLY back there.
  • I would probably end up in debt with cars.
  • DOWNSIDE, she makes less so she can’t pay them down.
  • Same situation.
  • I would try to embrace being a Minnesotan for the long haul.

So really, who knows.  It would financially be good and socially be good.  Sunshine would suck though.




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Ideal Self?

So apparently I can’t just find happiness.  Apparently happiness is the process of becoming your ideal self.  So what’s my ideal self?  Here’s a few ideas:

  • I want to be able to make clear decisions without fretting about things for days, weeks or months before hand.  I’ve been debating what to do and where to live in the future for over a month now and am not really any closer to making a decision.  Plus I’ve spent countless hours focused and frustrated about it.  I don’t want to be like this.  I want to be a person who is confident in his decisions and decisive.
  • I want to have a job where I feel like I’m productive.  I don’t want a lot of downtime.  I don’t want to feel stagnant. I want to be growing in my job on both a responsibility level, income level and prestige level.
  • I want to have a group of friends to do things with.  I want to care about these people and I want them to care about me.  I have a group like this in MN, and am not sure if can create one out here in SF.  I want to have this though.
  • I want to be more muscular and not have a belly anymore.
  • I want to be someone who works out regularly without having to “Force” myself to do it.  I don’t want to search for motivation, I want to be motivated and active.
  • I want to have a good emotional and sex life with my girlfriend.
  • I want to get married to her eventually.
  • I want to have enough money to live a comfortable lifestyle.  If we stay here I want to be in a good place and have enough money to go out to eat, drink and weekend getaways when I want.  If we move back, I want to be able to live in a decent house and drive a nice car.
  • I want to be able to go on at least 3 vacations a year.  More if we go back to MN.
  • I want to spend time in nature.  I want to go camping and hiking and fishing again.  I want to climb a mountain.
  • I want to dress casual yet well and have comfortable well fitting clothes.
  • I want to own a house outright before I retire.
  • I want to stay debt free.  Besides a house and possibly car payment.
  • I want to help my girlfriend pay off her student loan.
  • I want to wake up in the morning and smile and be excited for the day.
  • Most of all though, I want to be comfortable with myself.  I want to be out of my head and able to focus on the moment and enjoy life.

Here’s how I’m going to start.  For the next two weeks I’m going to get up in the morning and do pushups, pull ups, rows and dips each morning.  Then I will stretch & meditate for 5-10 minutes.  Then I will write in my journal about my thoughts and feelings about life and whether to move to MN or stay in SF.

I’ve told my friend that I will give him $10 for every day I don’t do this so I will follow though.

How about you, what’s your ideal self?


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People or Place?

This is the question that’s gone through my head a thousand times over the past 3 weeks.

About 7 months ago I moved across the country.  I was in Minneapolis, MN and have moved out to San Francisco, CA.  It was our little adventure.  My girlfriend and I had been wanting to do this for a long time.  We came out here about 4-5 years ago on vacation and just loved the city.  Then came back a couple of times before moving just to make sure.  It’s beautiful here and the weather is amazing.  I’m loving the big city feel and all of the options for stuff to do.  Plus my job is great.  It’s with a pretty laid back company and everything is going well.  My girlfriend’s job is okay.  She’s not liking it a ton, but the money is pretty good.

So for what it’s worth, everything is going great out here.  I like where I work.  I like where we live.  I like the weather.  I like the big city.  I even don’t mind the homeless people.  So why am I thinking about giving it all up?  I’m not sure, but I think it’s because I have friends and family back in Minnesota.

It’s pretty weird not knowing anyone out here.  I know I will meet people, but what’s weirder is that everybody I do know and care about still lives in Minnesota.  I feel like I have this new life out here, but nothing is happening with it.  I still think about the people back in MN daily and almost feel left out of what they’re doing back there.  I feel like we spent a lot of time and effort getting out here, but really we’re just back to square one.  Except now we don’t know anybody.

I’d never regret moving out here.  It’s been an awesome adventure and I’m really enjoying the new place.  But something just makes me feel like it’s temporary and not really home to me.  I know I could make it home with enough time and effort to make friends, but part of me doesn’t want to.  Part of me wants to go back to Minnesota and set up a pretty good life for myself with the people I do know.

It wouldn’t be easy.  I have a really easy life now.  I pay for an apartment and that’s about it.  No cars, no insurance, etc.  I don’t have any maintenance or anything like that to do.  Basically I live a comfortable care free life out here.  Back in MN things would be tougher.  There’s the weather.  There’s family obligations.  There’s having a car again.  There’s paying for heat in a place.  There’s just a lot of work.  But I’m wondering if the work would be worth it.

I hate to make any hasty decisions on this.  I’ve given myself until the one year mark where I can’t make any decisions whatsoever.  But it’s weird.  I thought today that if someone offered me an easy way to just move back right away I might take it.

I also hate to give up on this out here.  I feel like we worked and fought so hard for it, but now it feels empty and worthless.  I feel like it’s just another place with nicer weather.  It’s beautiful, but I don’t know it.  I know Minnesota.  I feel like an expert there and like I could be happy there for a long time.

Hmm I hate thinking about this.

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