Archive for September, 2013
How many times have I said this? How many things have I said this about?
I should eat healthier.
I should work out.
I should be working harder.
I should be doing something fun today.
I should be doing my laundry.
I should do the right thing and not the wrong thing.
It’s always the same thing. I’m constantly telling myself what I should be doing and thinking about what the right or “perfect” thing to do is. I’m starting to realize that this is wrong. Why am I not doing what I want to do? Why am I thinking about what I should be doing.
It’s weird when you think about it. Is there really a point to it? I think I should be acting, eating, dressing, doing things, sleeping, breathing etc a certain way. But there is no right way. There is no right or wrong. We just do things and are a part of what we do. Who cares which way I decide? As long as I’m not doing anything to hurt someone or get me put in jail, does it really matter?
Should is one of the worst words you can think. It means that you wish you were doing something, but know that you don’t actually want to be doing it. I say I should work out. This isn’t because I want to be fit or healthy. It’s because I feel like it’s the “Right thing to do”. Why don’t I want to work out? I do want to be fit and healthy, but that’s not enough reason to do it for some reason.
Maybe I’m not doing it because of the “shoulds”. Maybe knowing that I should be doing something makes me not want to do it in itself. Maybe if I just really fucking wanted to work out, I’d do it like crazy because I’m doing it for myself instead of doing it because I should.
Why do I constantly do this?
It’s the same with the words “would” and “could”. I would have done something if something else was just right. Well yeah, but it wasn’t so who cares? I could have done this thing perfectly and everything would be great right now. But what does that even mean? I didn’t do it that way. Maybe I should have, but who cares, I didn’t.
There are a million things that you should do, could do or would do that will make your life better, but if you don’t do them what does it matter?
Maybe if I don’t want to do things, they’re not worth doing.
It’s a weird world out there. Most days you just don’t know what you want out of life. Maybe that’s the point. Who knows.
On one hand, it’s awesome to go out and explore. Making your own life and traveling around the world. You can forget your past and move on into the unknown. It’s exciting. It’s challenging. But then you start to realize that it’s all really the same. The new people you meet are similar to the old ones. I feel like moving to a new city has opened me up to meeting new people, but also made miss the old people. It’s made me homesick even though the place I came from isn’t any better either.
Sometimes I think about moving back. Even though it’s cold and boring. But I know people there. Or do I? Do I really know anyone? Or am I totally alone? Are we all just alone and looking for a place in the world that doesn’t really exist?
I’m kind of thinking so. Maybe I should just go through life and see some amazing things and experience some interesting stuff. I can remember the past and the people in it, but not dwell on it. That just leads to stress.
Does it really matter if I live in one city or another? Near people I know and people I might meet? Does anything matter?